


Romeo No Homeo

by theflamingfangirl



Category: Romeo And Juliet - All Media Types, Romeo And Juliet - Shakespeare
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Gender Changes, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Gay Male Character, M/M, Underage Drinking
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-11-03
Updated: 2015-12-26
Packaged: 2018-04-29 19:57:00
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 10,850
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5140610
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/theflamingfangirl/pseuds/theflamingfangirl
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>At Verona University, rivaling fraternities Mu Tau Gamma and Kappa Upsilon have been at each others throats for decades. Jake Lionel and Ryan O'Neil were both fully content in carrying on the tradition of mutual hatred, when fate thrusts them together in the form of a drunken one night stand.</p><p>They're not like 'star-crossed lovers' or anything, though. </p><p>That would be gay.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. As they have for generations, freshman continue to suck

**Author's Note:**

> For ref:
> 
> Juliet = Jake Lionel  
> Romeo = Ryan O'Neil  
> Benvolio = Benji Vause  
> Mercutio = Mark Yute  
> Tybalt = Tyrone Baltimore  
> Paris = Paris Count (creative I know)  
> Rosaline = Rosie Lionel  
> Nurse = Sam "Nurse" Gonzales  
> Friar Lawrence = Felicity Lang  
> Montague = Monty Gunn  
> Capulet = Carlos Letterman  
> Prince Escalus = Dean Escalus

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> More like verBROna university amiright???

**PROLOGUE**

Two fraternities, both alike in dignity  
At Verona University, (where we lay our scene)  
From ancient grudge breaks to new mutiny  
And civil blood makes civil hand unclean  
From these two rivaling frats  
A pair of star crossed lover get #wrecked  
Whose misadventured piteous overthrows  
Make their frats cool with each other  
The fearful passage of this sort of fucked up love  
And the continuance of their fraternities’ beef  
Which but some fucked up shit naught could remove  
So anyways, that’s what this story’s about  
You should read it  
Really. I missed a lot of stuff in this prologue, keep going if you want to know what happens

* * *

 

**BENJI**

I’m not really sure where to begin, honestly. I guess I’ll start out by saying I have done nothing wrong. Legitimately, in this whole scenario I’m pretty much the only one that’s completely blameless. This is basically just the tale of how Benji Vause stayed in his lane while all of his friends completely fucked up everything. But, well, it’s really not about me. I’d say the story starts with that fight, the day before Halloween.

I mean, sure, that kid Abe might have thrown the first punch, but he’s a freshman, and those other two were provoking him. I mean, you know freshmen- they’re dumasses; they’ll fight anything that moves. Trust me, I only stepped in because I didn’t want anyone to get hurt. And Tyrone definitely did not need to get involved. But, anyways, we were in the square. And two of those Kappa pledges: Sammy and Greg, were shitting all over Mu Tau Gamma. I’d only met them once, but it was enough to form an opinion. These two fuck heads were basically the reason why people hate freshmen.

“You know what I hate,” Greg said. “Those Mu Tau Gamma guys. They’re huge dicks.”

“Huge dicks,” Sammy agreed. “And, like, they _have_ small dicks.”

Greg snorted. “Oh man, burn. I totally bet they do. The smallest, bro.”

I rolled my eyes. It was like they thought it was the greatest burn of all time or something, even though it wasn’t even funny. They were probably just happy to have a douchy little club to be a part of.

“They’re just sissy assholes with small dicks, man,” Sammy continued. “I’m so glad we pledged Kappa, bro.”

Greg nodded. “I know, dude. Every time I see some MTG asshole walking around campus like he owns it, I just want to punch him in the face.”

“Yeah, man. I bet I could take one of them on.”

“For sure, bro. I bet I could take on all of them at once, bro. With one hand tied behind my back.”

Sammy have him a high-five. “Dude, yes. And then we’d sleep with their girlfriends.”

“Probably do that better too. Y’know, because they have small penises,” Greg elaborated.

And I was perfectly happy to let them have their little douche-fest without getting involved. But then two of our pledges, a kid named Abe and a friend who’s name I couldn’t remember, showed up. I was experienced with this kind of thing, and they were fresh from rush, fired up with house pride, and couldn’t let those comments slide.

“Hey watch your mouths, assholes,” Abe said, shoving Greg a little. “Do you have a problem with my frat?”

Sammy flipped him off and started walking away.

“Did you just flip me off, bro?” The kid I didn’t know said.

Greg scoffed. “Well he didn’t _not_ flip you off, dipshit.”

“Oh this is on!” Abe said, tackling Greg.

And then they started rolling around and shit and Sammy and the other guy jumped in too. They were totally whaling on each other, really just beating the shit out of one another. I mean it’s not like I was just going to let them kill each other; I had to step in.

“Guys, guys!” I shouted, pulling Greg off the pile. “Calm down, we’re in public. The dean’s office is right there; if she sees you fighting, you’re all in deep shit.”

“They were talking shit!” Abe protested, dusting himself off.

Sammy spit blood onto the sidewalk. “We were just saying how we’re gonna kick the shit out of all the fucking Kappas and screw your preppy little girlfriends too.”

Abe pushed past me to punch Sammy in the face and the group started beating each other again

“Hey! Knock it off!” I pulled Greg out of a headlock roughly and threw him to the ground.

“Yo, what the fuck do you think you’re doing, Vause?”

I turned around to see Tyrone Baltimore standing over me, looking less than pleased, and felt a little nervous because Tyrone is a big, black dude and I’m kind of on the scrawny side.

“Chill out. Those freshmen were just looking for a fight,” I explained. “I was just trying to break it up.”

“Like hell you were,” Tyrone said. He turned to the Greg and Sammy, who’d momentarily stopped brawling. “Was this fucker messing with you guys?”

“Yeah,” they answered simultaneously.

“Was not!” the unnamed freshman shot back, but was immediately met with a kick in the shins from Greg.

“Guys, cut it out,” I warned. “You’re gonna get busted for fighting.”

Tyrone pushed me back a little. “Hey, how about you shut the fuck up?”

A crowd had formed to watch the fight and my odds were not great. “Look man, I don’t want to start-”

“Hey dipshit. My friend here said to shut the fuck up,” Carlos Letterman interrupted. I hadn’t even seen him walk over. Jesus these people moved like ninjas.

“Hey Benji,” A voice interrupted. I turned to see Monty, president of the Mu Tau Gamma fraternity pushing through the crowd. So he was here too. Great. “Is that bastard giving you trouble?”

Tyrone scowled. “Who you calling bastard, you son of a-”

“What is going on here?” A voice rang out.

The crowd immediately dispersed as Dean Escalus made her way towards the fight.

“Boys!” she snapped at the brawling freshmen. “Get up right now!”

Abe, Sammy, Greg, and that other kid stood up sheepishly. They may have wanted to kill each other seconds before, but the dean is not someone to mess with. She’s nice, but she can be straight up scary when she’s mad.

“I have had more than enough of this nonsense between your two fraternities,” Dean Escalus said sternly. “You boys have been fighting on campus, destroying property, and engaging in unsafe behavior since before I began working here, thirty years ago, and it has only gotten worse over the years. I have half a mind to disband both fraternities. This foolish rivalry has to end, or there will be consequences. From this point on, any young man found to be engaging in a physical altercation or damaging school property will be immediately ejected from the Greek system at Verona University, permanently.”

“I’m sorry, ma’am,” Greg said through swollen lips. “It won’t happen again.”

Dean Escalus eyed the battered freshman carefully. “Since this is you boys’ first offence, I’ll let you off with a warning. Don’t let me find you fighting again. The four of you may go now.”

She turned to me and Tyrone. “You two may not have thrown any punches, but I hope you know that when I say I will ban every student who causes trouble, it is not an empty threat.”

“I was only trying to pull them off of each other,” I clarified.

“I’m sure you were Benjamin,” she said with a nod. She likes me because I head a community service organization on campus. Having the dean on my side really isn’t the worst thing that’s happened to me at college.

“Uh, yeah me too,” Carlos added.

She glared at Carlos and Monty. “Don’t get me started, Mr. Letterman. You and Mr. Gunn are the presidents of your respective fraternities and should be ashamed to be promoting such violence in your pledges. In fact, why don’t you boys come to my office so we can have a little discussion.”

The dean marched off towards the main building, Monty and Carlos trailing behind nervously.

Tyrone glared at me before walking off. “This isn’t over.”

He was right of course. It was only beginning.


	2. The scariest part about Halloween is the gay thoughts that are haunting me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> welcome to my garbage hovel I appreciate your company

**JAKE**  
  
To be honest, I’ve never been much for love stories. They’re usually pretty sappy and boring, not to mention lame as hell. If my life were a movie, I’d prefer if it were an action movie with guns, and explosions, and possibly aliens. I’d have a machete and a fighter jet… Yeah, that would be pretty sick. Unfortunately, it turns out you don’t get to choose your own plot for your life. 

So here’s the story of how my life got totally fucked up.

My name’s Jake Lionel. I’m a junior at Verona University, running back on the football team, a history major, and, most importantly, a Mu Tau Gamma. I pledged freshman year because I was on the football team and a bunch of guys told me they thought I should go out for rush. It’s pretty exclusive, but whatever. It’s the best frat at Verona University, you can ask anyone. We throw the best parties on campus and we win Greek Week, like, every year (well, we won last year, anyways). Those fuckers at Kappa Upsilon might try to tell people otherwise, but everyone knows we’re totally better than them at just about everything. There are thirteen fraternities and ten sororities at Verona, but the only frat that comes even close to matching us is Kappa Upsilon. The riff between MTG and Kappa has been around for as long as anyone can remember. Nobody really knows how the whole thing started. The most popular story goes that one of the Kappa’s pledges stole our president’s girlfriend, but I’ve heard lots of variations, like that it wasn’t a pledge, it was their president, or that he didn’t steal anyone’s girlfriend, he burned the house down, or got a bunch of people expelled, and even that a whole group of Kappa’s killed some guy’s father in a prank war gone wrong. My buddy Tyrone, is like a legacy or some shit, and his dad, uncles, _and_ grandpa all say that the rivalry was alive and well back when they were at school too, and that they too have no idea how it started. What’s for sure is that the Kappa’s wronged our house a long time ago and we have not forgiven them. And it’s not like we’re holding a grudge either; they continue to fuck with us regularly. Last year a bunch of seniors stole our letters, spray painted dicks on them, and set them floating into the lake in some sort of flaming raft, like a Viking funeral pyre.

Anyways, it started on Halloween. Mu Tau Gamma has this huge costume party every year and it’s always sick as hell. We’d been planning it for months, and it was supposed to be really epic this year, like our best yet. The Halloween bash the year before was named party of the year by the student newspaper, so we had a legacy to uphold. Everyone was coming. Well, not everyone. Those fucking assholes from Kappa Upsilon were definitely not invited.

“Wait bro did you pick up those kegs?” my friend Nurse asked, jolting me out of a daydream.

Sam Gonzales has been my best friend since tenth grade English class, when he let me copy off his homework every day. We call him Nurse because he’s been wanting to be a doctor since I met him (he’s pre-med now) and he can be such a _mom_ sometimes. You can find him at parties patching up freshmen when they get into fights and making sure no one chokes to death on their own puke.

 I took a headphone out and put down the barbell I was holding. We have a pretty sweet gym in the house, which is good because it means I can lift without even going out. “What’d you say bro?" 

“I asked if you picked up those kegs,” he repeated.

I shook my head. “Nah, man, Monty’s doing it. Cause he has a better fake ID”

“Probably because his is a _real_ ID, dipshit,” Nurse said, rolling his eyes.

I shrugged. “Whatever, could you spot me, bro?”

“Sure, man.” He got up and walked over to the bench press. “You know Paris is coming to the party tonight, right?”

“Yep,” I said in a flat voice.

“You gonna hook up with her?”

I sighed. “I dunno, man. Maybe.”

Paris was sort of my girlfriend, as in, we hooked up at parties sometimes. All my bros thought I should make it official, but I seriously didn’t want to. I mean, she was totally hot, but I didn’t really like her. She’s kind of a bitch to everyone and she wouldn’t leave me alone, even though I’d been hinting to her that I didn’t really want to be her boyfriend for, like, ever. Also I was… not attracted to her. Like at all. But that part’s a problem for another time. I didn’t let myself dwell on that particular issue.

“You should, bro,” he said. “She’s super hot.”

“I know”. Everyone knew. She was incredibly gorgeous. 

“You know who else is hot?” Nurse asked. “Your cousin. She’s coming tonight, right?”

“Rosie’ll be there,” I said. Nurse (and everyone else) has a thing for my cousin. She’s a sophomore and she’s just as pretty as Paris, but also really nice. Like _really_ nice. Like she volunteers at the animal shelter and tutors ESL kids and bakes, like, snicker doodles. That kind of nice. And unfortunately for every male at VU, she has absolutely no interest in dating.

“Nice,” Nurse said with a smile. “I gotta go, man. You’ve totally got to get with Paris tonight though. I mean you’re wearing coordinating costumes. And you know Monty wants you two to get together. You’re practically dating at this point.”

“The costume wasn’t my idea!” I called after him. Paris basically forced me to dress up with her. She bought me a costume and everything. Gladiator. She said it was perfect because we’re both hot and this costume involved minimal clothing. I figured if I got drunk enough, maybe I wouldn’t mind her hanging all over me quite as much. Lord knows I wasn’t going into this bullshit night remotely sober.

 

* * *

 

**RYAN**

 

“Dude I’m pretty sure this is a bad idea,” Benji worried, pulling on a Frankenstein mask. 

Mark rolled his eyes. “Shut up, Benji.”

“They’ll beat the shit out of us if they find out we’re Kappas.”

I punched him in the arm. “Does ‘shut up’ mean nothing to you, bro?”

“C’mon man you hardly know this girl and you know if they catch us they will kick our asses. Plus, you have an unhealthy obsession. Do you even like her or do you just like the idea of dating her?”

“I do so like her.” It was a lie. I didn’t like her. Not like that, anyways. But I also knew that if I didn’t get a girlfriend soon, people would start suspecting something, and I couldn’t have that.

“Nah dude he just wants to bone her,” Mark laughed.

My name’s Ryan O’Neil. I’m the social coordinator for my fraternity, Kappa Upsilon, and probably next in line to be the president. Kappa Upsilon is the best fraternity at Verona University, and everybody knows it. There are twenty-three fraternities and sororities total at VU, but Kappa is the best by far. We basically win Greek Week every year (except last year) and we throw the best parties on campus (the only reason our St. Patrick’s day party got second in that dumbass newspaper poll is because Tyrone Baltimore is fucking the editor). Our rival house is definitely Mu Tau Gamma, because they’re all meatheads and assholes and we’ve hated each other ever since one of their pledges burned down the Kappa house, like, forever ago. And tonight, Benji and I are sneaking into their Halloween party to see Rosie Lionel.

Rosie seemed like a safe pick for a prospective girlfriend. She’s in my math class and she smells like cinnamon and is really nice. The only real problems about me dating her are a) she doesn’t really know me that well and b) I’m gay. My stepsister says that I should man up and tell people about it already, but I’m waiting until I graduate so it doesn’t jeopardize my future presidency at Kappa. She rolled her eyes when I told her that. 

My stepsister Felicity and I are pretty close. Our parents got married when we were thirteen and we’ve been tight ever since. She is exactly two months older than me but about half a foot shorter, which is saying a lot because I’m pretty average sized. She thinks the whole Greek system is stupid, which is why she lives in the Wells house with a bunch of other Chinese kids. Felicity is also the only one I’ve told about the whole latent homosexuality thing. Well, I didn’t really tell her. We were seventeen and in the car and she just goes “I know about you” in this ominous voice. So I nearly drove the car off the road and long story short she did in fact know, which was actually kind of a relief because it was seriously shitty not being able to mention that to anyone. She wants me to tell our parents but they always make such a big deal out of everything. To ensure they don’t, like, throw a party or something, I’m waiting until literally everyone else is aware so my parents can hear it from someone else. Felicity thinks email would be more practical and equally impersonal, but I don’t want to risk it.

“Why do you get to be the ninja?” Benji whined. “The Frankenstein mask smells weird and it covers my whole head, while yours is just like a blindfold with eye holes.”

“You’re a ginger,” I told him, looking out the car window to determine our best point of entry into the house. “People might recognize you.”

“I get to be Darth Vader, because I called it, Benj-alicious,” Mark said. “And Ryan’s a ninja so he can get into girls’ pants undetected.” 

“Jesse Mark, you're losing your tough; that’s not even good.” He was one of my best friends, but man was he an idiot. “Maybe we shouldn’t go.”

“Why not?” Benji asked.

Because I was a raging homosexual. “I had, uh, a dream where we got caught.”

Mark grinned. “Dude that just reminded me; I had the sickest dream last night. There was this fairy or whatever and she was, like, a total babe. So then, she takes off her top and-”

“Nobody cares, dude,” I interrupted

“Shut up, guys,” Benji said, throwing open the car door. “The coast is clear; let’s go.”

We tried to act casual as we entered the MTG house with a group of sophomores, but Benji really sucks at acting and he gets all gross and sweaty and weird, so we kind of just kept our heads down and speed walked into the crowd. Benji, Mark, and I had agreed before that it would be best if we split up so we didn’t draw attention to ourselves, so they weren’t offended when I lost them in the crowd almost immediately. At least I don’t think they were; it was hard to tell with the masks.

As much as it pains me to admit it, it was a pretty sweet party. The DJ was pretty good, there was an open bar, and everyone was dressed up and dancing and having a good time. After a bit of searching, I found Rosie sitting on a couch with some of her friends, looking perfect as usual in a fairy costume. I kept trying to walk towards her but my legs weren’t really into that, so instead I walked to the makeshift bar set up on a folding table at the foot of the stairs. I figured that after a few shots I could work up the courage to at the very least get her number.

“You got any tequila?” I asked the guy sitting next to the table.

“Dude I’m not the bartender,” the guy said. “I’m just hiding from a girl.”

He was dressed as a gladiator and looked really, really hot. I mean he was seriously ripped, which you could see because he was wearing only a breastplate over his spectacularly toned chest and abs. Honestly, it was really inconsiderate for him to look like that when there were closeted gay guys around. I mean the nerve.

I sighed. “Could you point me to the tequila or not?”

“Dunno about tequila, bro, but this shit’s really great,” he said, motioning to the punch. “I’ve been drinking that stuff all night and I feel fucking awesome.”

“I’m sure you do,” I said, noting his obvious intoxication. “What’s in it?”

“No clue,” he laughed. “Pineapple maybe?”

“I’ll try it,” I shrugged.

 He grinned as he poured me a tall glass of something purple. “Drink up, pretty boy.”

And after about three of those, things start to go a little fuzzy.


	3. It's not gay if you're drunk

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They need to get their lives together

**JAKE**

 

I woke up to a splitting headache. I opened my eyes briefly but immediately shut them again because the fucking sun was melting my eyeballs. I remembered pretty much nothing from about the moment when I drank the third or fourth serving of that fucking punch, so I was glad to see I was in my bed instead of an alley somewhere. I was pretty sure I hadn’t gotten any tattoos and it didn’t _feel_ like I had any serious injuries, so I was about to determine that I had managed to get to bed without doing anything too stupid when I felt the hand on my arm. After a few seconds I realized this meant someone else was in my bed with me. So I’d finally slept with Paris. Guess it’s good I got that over with. Little bits from last night were coming back to me. We got totally wasted, we went up to my room, and we fucked, and… it was awesome. Which was weird. I mean, I’d slept with girls before but I couldn’t remember enjoying it much. Yet I distinctly remembered the night before being rad as hell. I took comfort in the fact that even if Paris was a total bitch, having sex with her was fun. I could probably make it work. Getting a girlfriend would probably help with that… problem that I didn’t allow myself think about.

I rolled over to look at her and-. “Wait what tHE FUCK!?”

The naked boy in my bed who was very clearly not Paris squinted at me. “What the hell? Where am I?”

I jumped away so aggressively that I fell out of my bed. “Why are you my fucking bed!”

“Look, man, I’m so fucking hung over right now, I don’t…” It was then that he seemed to notice that I wasn’t wearing any clothes. And neither was he. “Wait did we-”

“No!” I interrupted, frantically pulling on a pair of sweatpants. “Well, maybe, no, no I mean… I’m not gay!”

“Shit.” he ran a hand through his sandy hair. “Shit, shit, shit. This isn’t good. And you’re… you’re a fucking MTG I’ll bet.”

“Is that really important right now?” I asked, aggressively avoiding eye contact. “Just put on your fucking clothes and get out, okay?”

As I fumbled around for this guy’s clothes, I had never been happier that as an upperclassmen and an officer I got my own room this year so there was nobody to witness what must have been the most humiliating moment of my life. He could leave immediately and I could get on with my life without anyone finding out about-

“Hey dude, you were pretty hammered last night so I brought you so- what the fuck?” And there, straight out of my nightmares, was Nurse, Gatorade in hand, mouth hanging open. You could just see him taking in the scene: me, half clothed, helping a boy in his underwear locate a shirt that had clearly been flung off in a night of drunken passion. “Bro are you-”

“Out! Now!” I hissed at him, face burning. “Make sure no one else comes in!”

Nurse looked relieved to have an excuse to exit the situation. “Gotcha.”

I turned to the guy. “And you need to leave. Now.”

“But I haven’t found all my stuff yet,” he protested.

“Too bad.”

He started heading for the door, but I grabbed his arm. “Bro, you think I’m going to let you walk through the whole house? People would see you?”

“What, do you expect me to climb out the window?” he scoffed, raising an eyebrow. He had really nice eyes. They were like that blue gray color the sky turns after it rains-

 _‘Not now, gay thoughts’_ , I chided myself. I turned to the guy. “Yeah you’re climbing out the window. There’s a tree that comes right up to the balcony and it’s not hard to climb.”

“But I only have one shoe!”

“Bye!” I said, shoving him out the patio door and slamming it shut.

I turned away from the door until I was absolutely sure he was gone and flopped face-first onto my bed, burying my face in the covers. I was sure this was pretty much the worst thing that had ever happened to anyone, in the history of the planet. I should know, I’m a history major.

“Can I come in now?” Nurse asked through the door. I’d forgotten he was out there.

“Sure.” This moment was already so painful; I might as well get this part over with.

Nurse entered cautiously and sat down next to me. “Um… you know my uncle’s gay-”

“I don’t want to talk about it!” I snapped. “And I’m not gay!”

He patted my shoulder sympathetically. “Sure you’re not, bro. Anyways, you fucking a dude aside, I came up here to bring you Gatorade. You should probably drink it because I imagine you’re pretty dehydrated.”

“What color?” I asked without lifting my head

“Blue.”

I sighed and accepted the bottle. The whole gay crisis had made me briefly forget my hangover, but that was back now, proving that things really can always get worse.

“So, uh, how do you know Ryan anyways?” Nurse asked.

“You know that guy?” How perfect. Just fucking peachy.

“Yeah, Ryan O’Neil. He’s a bio major so we had a couple classes together freshman and sophomore year. He seemed nice but we weren’t like, tight, though,” he said.

I frowned. “Why not?”

Nurse shrugged. “Well I don’t really go around buddying up with Kappa Upsilons.”

I choked on the Gatorade. “Wait, he’s a fucking Kappa!?”

 

* * *

 

 

**RYAN**

 

I had to walk home. I had about thirty texts from Benji detailing how he and Mark had been caught and kicked out of the party and asking where I was. There was about a negative infinity chance I’d be calling him for a ride, so I enjoyed a lovely stroll across campus with one shoe and no sunglasses to ward off the blazing sunlight. It was surprisingly sunny for the first of November, unfortunately. My favorite park of the walk was probably when my freshman English teacher drove by to bear witness to my shame. Or maybe when I threw up in a bush and was chased off by an old man with a rake. So much fun.

Of course it was just my luck that I’d go to a party to get the girl and then fuck some random dude I don’t know instead. I didn’t exactly know how everything went down, but I apparently put the moves on the hot guy who’d poured me a drink. His name was Jake, I remembered that much, he was Rosie’s cousin (funny coincidence, I know) and he was a god damn Mu Tau Gamma. At least he was cute. I mean if I had to drunkenly fuck a guy, I guess it’s better he wasn’t, like, ugly or something. And, fine, we’d had a good time. I might not remember any details, but I definitely recall hot sex. I mean, I wouldn’t say it was the best night of my life, or anything. Not out loud anyways.

“Dude! Where have you been?” Benji asked the moment I finally walked through the door. “I was worried. I thought they were holding you hostage or something.”

I winced. “Do you have to be so fucking loud?”

“Whoa you look like shit, are you okay?” he asked. “What happened to you last night?”

“I don’t really remember much about the party, honestly.” That part was true enough. “I was wasted, bro.”

“Whoa dude, you’re back? Where’d you go last night? I went to this sick rave downtown. It was dank, bro, you should have been there.”

I didn’t even need to turn around to know that the comment came from the one and only Mark Yute, who was emerging from his room at the first mention of the word ‘party’. Mark was the kind of guy who went to college exclusively for the social scene. He’s short tempered, easily excited, confident, quick to throw the first punch; he may not have been especially bright but he’s certainly fun to be around. Benji and Mark were both my best friends, but they were polar opposites. Benji was sort of a soft spoken, sweater-ish type, like a sweet old grandma in the body of a skinny, red-haired nineteen-year-old. He was president of the community service club, he collected stamps, he worried like it was his job. If Mark was the life of the party, Benji was the life of like, the book club or something. If you wanted someone to hook you up with a girlfriend, or cocaine, or someone to fight, or plans for a Friday night, Mark was your guy. If you needed a study partner, a DD, a therapist, or someone who could iron a shirt, look to Benji Vause.

“Hey Mark,” I said. “I didn’t get kicked out of the party.”

Ben looked surprised. “They didn’t catch you? Well, did you hook up with Rosie, then?”

“Aw dude, you tapped that ass?” Mark whistled in appreciation.

I turned to go upstairs. “Nah I didn’t get with her. It’s whatever though. I think I’m gonna go take a nap.”

“Well, who gave you that hickey then?” Ben asked.

My hand flew to my throat. “No, I… It isn’t… I don’t even remember who, um… Just… I’m going to bed now, bye.”

“Alright man. You’re being pretty weird though,” Ben called after me.

“Rest up, player!” Mark added.

 I course I was being weird. It was a weird situation. Hell, my usually average life was suddenly really weird. I should have known something like this would happen eventually. I'm totally ADD, so impulse control is not exactly my strong suit. I tend to make a lot of stupid decisions. Like, first day of freshman year I called my math teacher mom in front of an entire lecture hall and I seriously considered dropping out right then and there. I got a smiley face tattooed onto the bottom of my toe on a whim. I didn’t even plan to rush Kappa, but I had nothing going on that night and I saw a poster, and now it’s like my whole life. Statistically, accidentally fucking a guy was bound to me happen sooner or later, I’d just hoped it would be later. This was too much to think about. What I needed was a long nap, followed by a shower, and then I could figure this shit out. I’d probably go see Felicity, because she always knows what to do and usually has ice cream. The look on her face when I told her I’d slept with a guy was sure to be priceless. She was probably going to cry tears of joy and it’d be humiliating on so many levels, but this was the kind of thing I couldn’t really keep to myself. I mean I was kind of freaking out.

And I couldn’t stop thinking about that boy. Jake. And I kind of wanted to see him again. Not just because one of my shoes was still under his bed, either.


	4. Area man realizes how fucking desperate he is

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This fucking nerd

**FELICITY**

I was watching Netflix in my pajamas when Ryan texted me, saying he was outside and wanted me to let him in. I was initially annoyed at having to get out of bed, but perked up when I saw how ridiculous he looked.

“Nice scarf,” I laughed. “Those shades are a great addition, too. Really compliments those sweatpants.”

He glared at me. “The sunglasses are because I’m _wildly_ hung over and the scarf’s to hide the hickey. Would you let me in already?”

“Jesus Christ, Ryan,” I said, opening the door and leading him to my room. “Crazy night?”

“Like you would not fucking believe,” he groaned, throwing himself onto my bed. “Is Jess here?”

“Is she ever?” My roommate is involved in like sixteen extracurriculars, so she’s rarely around.

“Good,” he said definitively. 

I frowned and sat down next to him. “Why? What’s up with you? Ooh wait, first show me the hickey!”

Ryan sighed and pulled off the ugly scarf so I could examine his neck. 

I smirked. “Rough. What lonely freshman gave you that? Or did you actually manage to hook up with Rosie Lionel like you were planning on?”

“Well I didn’t really talk to Rosie,” he said, wincing. “I, um, I fucked her cousin though.”

“Sorry, you did _what_?” God, I really didn’t think he had it in him. Who was Rosie’s cousin? Did I know her?

He buried his face in his hands. “Her cousin… Jake.”

“ _Jake_?” I asked incredulously. “As in that guy on the football team? The one in my modern lit class? A _boy_?”

“I was really drunk,” Ryan protested weakly. “It was an accident.”

I punched him in the arm. “Holy shit, Ry! Good for you! I’ve met Jake a couple of times, because, y’know I deal to the MTG guys. He’s cute; we should, like, celebrate or something. How was it? Tell me everything.”

“Fuck off. My life is over,” he moaned. “It was such a mess. I want to die.”

“Don’t be such a drama queen,” I said. “Give me details.”

“Well, me and Ben snuck into the Kappa Halloween party,” Ryan began. “You know, the one that was wrongly awarded best party by The Verona Weekly last year.”

“Because that kid Tyrone is screwing the editor,” I recalled.

“Right. So we went so I could see Rosie, you know? We had to wear masks and shit so they wouldn’t recognize us and kick us out. And everything was going great until I go to get a drink and Jake is there, and he’s already drunk, and he pours me some of this punch-”

“Dumbass. I’ve told you a hundred times not to drink punch at parties,” I interrupted. My stepbrother was going to get his ass roofied some day soon and I would only feel the slightest bit bad for him.

He rolled his eyes. “Yeah anyways, it was evil stuff. No idea what was in it. And so Jake, he wasn’t wearing a shirt and he’s actually really funny and nice and really attractive, you know? So I stayed there talking to him and he kept pouring me drinks. I really don’t know how many I had but it was upwards of ten and I can’t really remember how it happened but he was leading me to his room. He’s really hot and we were both hammered and I just couldn’t help it. And then…”

“Then?” I coaxed.

“Felicity Lang, you can connect the fucking dots,” he snapped. “You’re not an idiot. Wild, gay sex happened. It was absolutely fucking terrible.”

I frowned in confusion. “Why was it terrible? You didn’t like it?”

“No it was amazing!” he exclaimed, covering his face. “It was everything I’ve dreamed of and more. I just really don’t want this bullshit in my life right now.”

“Gosh, you’re right. You might have to face the facts about your sexual preferences! A true nightmare!”

“Shut the fuck up, Fee,” Ryan groaned. “I don’t need your sarcasm. This is a disaster. I don’t think he even knows my name.”

“That’s even better,” I said. “A nameless one-night-stand is exactly what you need.” 

“Well that’s the fucking problem, isn’t it? I don’t… want it to be a one-night-stand.”

I gasped. “Oh my god, you like him.”

He whimpered incomprehensively in agreement. “I think I’m just desperate, but still.”

I patted his shoulder. “Aw poor baby. I’m sorry, bro. Would watching movies and eating ice cream make you feel better?”

“No. I’m not a fucking pussy.”

“Oh come on, you know you want to.”

“Fine,” he said after a while, because I’m always right and he knows it. And because he felt bad. I mean seriously I’ve seen kicked puppies look less pathetic. “Can I sleep over?”

“Yeah. Jess is in Washington visiting her boyfriend this weekend.”

He nodded bitterly. “Good, we’re pushing the beds together and watching all of Star Wars.”

“Is cookie dough okay for the ice cream?”

“Extremely.”

 

* * *

 

**TYRONE**

 

 I knew when we caught Mark Yute and that fucking ginger that they didn’t come to the party by themselves. The scrawny one gave some bullshit line about acting alone while we dragged him out by his hair, but I didn’t buy it. Then low and behold, the next morning I look out my window and I see their little buddy walking home. Judging by the fact that he had one shoe and looked absolutely destroyed, that fucking Mu Tau Gamma had the time of his life at the party. I don’t know who he spent the night with, but what matters is that he was going to pay for crashing our party.

 The next day, I found out from some freshman girl that his name’s Ryan and found out from Nurse that he had a bio-chem lecture at twelve thirty. Which is why I was standing outside the science building at twelve fifteen waiting for that fucko to show up.

 About five minutes before his lecture started, I saw him. I might have only seen him running shirtless across the lawn from two stories up, but I was sure this was that guy who’d crashed the party. “Yo Ryan!”

 He took off his Ray-Bans. “Sorry, do I know you?”

“Well you crashed my fucking party on Saturday,” I said.

 He raised an eyebrow. “Oh, you’re uh, Tyrone, right? Yeah I crashed your party. It was shitty, just like everything Kappa puts together.”

"Is that why you stayed the night after your little buddy left, then?”

 The color drained out of his face. “H-how did you know about that?”

 I smirked. Look at this little bitch. “I saw you climbing out the window to get away from whatever desperate chick you were fucking. Bet she was a fucking slut. Everyone knows classy girls don’t sleep with MTGs.”

 He immediately regained his composure. “Bro that’s so sexist, I mean c’mon.”

“Shut the fuck up,” I snapped, grabbing him by his collar. “I’ll teach you to crash our fucking parties.”

 “Hey!” Someone put a hand on my shoulder. “Cut that shit out, man!”

 I turned to see Carlos, looking pissed. “What’s up?”

 “You can’t mess with him,” Carlos said. “I mean, believe me, I’d love to rearrange his face as much as you do, but the dean’s keeping us on a pretty tight leash right now. If you get caught, you’re out of Kappa for sure.”

 I released Ryan’s collar. “Shit man.”

 “I know, dude,” Carlos said sympathetically. “It fucking sucks.”

 “You guys are fucking crazy,” Ryan huffed. He grabbed his bag and ran into the lecture hall.

 “You better watch you’re back, O’Neil!” I called after him. “Next time, you’re dead.”


	5. me? attracted to you? whaaaat?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> basically he's not just there for the shoe

**JAKE**

 

It had been four days since the incident, and I was doing what I did best, refusing to acknowledge that anything abnormal had gone down. Even to myself. Especially to myself. This was made considerably more difficult by the fact that Nurse kept trying to fucking talk to me about it. There I was, successfully channeling any thoughts I had about Ryan O’Neil towards fantasy football and the world series, and Nurse kept, like, telling me he supported me. I explained to him very clearly that if he told anybody what he saw, I would calmly disregard our years of friendship and run him over with his own truck but that didn’t stop him from trying to talk about feelings all the fucking time. The last straw was when Nurse handed me a sexual health pamphlet he picked up at the health office titled “Same Sex Intercourse and You”, which is when I decided to lock myself in my room until I died.

 

I did what I usually did to cope: laid on my balcony, listened to music, and willed the universe to swallow me whole. I liked to express my concerns to the night sky like it had purposefully wronged me. “Ok but seriously, did it have to be a Kappa. What the fuck, man? A fucking Kappa? Seriously dude?”

 

 “Are you talking to yourself?” A voice asked from the tree, giving me a fucking aneurism.

 

I jumped back. “What the hell?”

 

“Whoa sorry; didn’t mean to freak you out,” the tree person apologized, swinging a leg clumsily over the railing. “Shit sorry.”

 

After a few seconds, I recognized this dipshit scaling my balcony was Ryan. “What the fuck are you doing here?”

 

His face shone bright red, making his freckles stand out. “Uh, you have one of my shoes.”

 

 “Your shoe? Who gives a shit about your fucking shoe?” I hissed.

 

“It’s like my favorite shoe though, I wear it like every day.” He frowned. “Why are you listening to Taylor Swift?”

 

“I’m not,” I said quickly, fumbling to pause the music, which was definitely, one hundred percent Taylor Swift. I cursed myself for listening to such blatant pining music.

 

“That’s so fucking lame, bro,” Ryan said, shaking his head.

 

“That was not Taylor Swift; that was… Drake,” I lied.

 

He smirked. “Uh no, that was “Back to December”. My sister makes me listen to Taylor Swift all the fucking time, bro.”

 

“It was a, um, a remix. Featuring Drake. And uh…” I racked my brain for another rapper. “Um, Tupac. It’s new.”

 

He gave me a weird look. “Tupac is dead.”

 

“Really?”

 

“Yeah. Has been for a long time. Nice try though. Now is there a reason you were listening to sappy ass love songs?”

 

“How about you shut the hell up before I break your fucking nose,” I threatened, my face burning. I eyed the balcony, wondering if the fall would kill me. Hell, at this point, it would be better if it did kill me. “How about, uh, you find your fucking shoe and get the hell out.”

 

“Fine,” he said, holding up his hands in surrender. “I’ll start looking”

 

I suddenly wished I’d cleaned my room. Which was totally strange. I wouldn’t say I was the tidiest person on the planet and I’d been in kind of a slump since the party, so my room was a mess, but it wasn’t that much worse that normal, and usually I didn't really care. But for some reason, I felt like really weird about it. God, I had to get Ryan out; this was seriously messing with my head.

 

“I’m checking under the bed,” Ryan announced. “You could help me, you know.”

 

I rolled my eyes “Ugh, fine.” Anything to make him leave.

 

He crawled under my bed to search for the missing shoe, giving me an excellent view of his ass. I tried not to stare, I really did, but I just couldn’t help myself. I mean, how could I; it was right there. He was wearing pastel fucking shorts, of course, confirming the longstanding belief that all Kappa Upsilons are preppy clichés. I wanted to look away, honest, but Ryan’s salmon-colored ass was like hypnotizing me or something. I probably could have keeled over right there and I would have died happy. Vaguely mortified, but happy.

 

“Dude, why do you need so much protein powder?” Ryan asked, coming up from under the bed.

 

“Uh, to stay yolked,” I managed, averting my eyes. “What does your shoe look like anyways?”

 

“Tan Sperry,” he answered.

 

I rolled my eyes. “Of course it’s a fucking boat shoe. Typical.”

 

“You can’t judge me,” Ryan said, crossing his arms. “Today I happened upon you yelling at the sky and listening to Taylor Swift. And I know you were talking about me, by the way, unless there’s some other Kappa you’re sleeping with.”

 

I glared at him. “Shut up.”

 

“Make me.”

 

“Oh go fuck yourself.” I meant that, because if he didn’t, I was going to. And that was _not_ part of the plan.

 

He made a face at me.

 

“I should have pushed you off the balcony,” I said, turning away so he couldn’t see how red my face had gotten. “Keep looking so you can get the fuck out.”

 

He smirked. “You’d like that wouldn’t you.”

 

 _‘This isn’t flirting,’_ I told myself. ‘ _He’s probably like this with everyone. Yeah, no sweat. This is just a heterosexual exchange between two bros. Not that we’re bros. Two acquaintances who shared a mutual disdain for each other.’_

“Hey I think I see it!” Ryan exclaimed, squinting into the darkness underneath my dresser.

 

I frowned. “How the fuck did it get under there?”

 

“I dunno, man, but I can’t reach it,” he said shrugging.

 

“Let me try,” I said. I reached under my dresser and, lo and behold, I couldn’t reach the damn shoe. “How did your shoe end up so far back there? Like, what were we _doing_?”

 

“I don’t remember shit from Saturday,” Ryan said. “Do you?”

 

I shrugged. “Nah I was absolutely destroyed.”

 

“Haha totally.” He coughed. “So… you don’t remember anything?”

 

“I mean like not clearly. I remember some parts,” I said.

 

He looked up at me and I immediately regretting saying anything. I could have just said no. Why did I never say the right thing?

 

“Uh, me too,” Ryan said, looking away. “Um, would you help me move this dresser.”

 

“Oh yeah for sure,” I said quickly. “I’ll lift it while you grab the shoe.”

 

He blinked. “Uh, can you pick it up by yourself?”

 

I puffed out my chest a little. “Yeah bruh. Don’t keep all that protein powder around for nothing.”

 

“Oh that’s uh… good… you’re very um,” Ryan cleared his throat awkwardly. “I guess I’ll just, get under there then.”

 

“So on three then?” I asked.

 

He stopped staring stupidly at my chest for a second. “Sorry, what?”

 

“On three?” I asked slowly.

 

“Oh, yeah. Go for it.”

 

“Alright. One… two… three.”

 

I lifted the dresser, Ryan pulled out the shoe, stood up, and suddenly his mouth was on mine. Looking back, I’m not entirely sure how it happened. One minute I was lifting up my dresser and the next I was kissing Ryan.

 

He pulled away as quickly as he’d started. “Sorry.”

 

“No it’s uh. We can uh… y’know,”

 

“Oh wow cool it with the dirty talk,” Ryan said mockingly. “I’m feeling flustered.”

 

“Do you have to be so sarcastic?” I asked. “Lock the door.”

 

He turned the lock and I pressed him up against the door, grabbing his collar to pull him in. I gripped him tighter and deepened the kiss; open mouth and more tongue than anything else. I could feel his hands underneath my shirt rubbing up and down my back, they were soft but not delicate or anything, I could definitely tell they were a guy’s hands, which I found way hotter than I should have. I mean, no wonder Paris wasn’t doing it for me. Honestly my basketball shorts weren’t holding anything back the way I wanted them too, but it was fine. We were, uh, on the same page, if you know what I mean.

 

 He grabbed my shirt and lifted it up over my head, taking my snapback with it, and tossed it onto the floor. I began fiddling with the buttons on his shirt. Jesus, couldn’t he have worn a shirt that’s slightly easier to take off? It was like solving a fucking rubix cube. After a couple tries I broke apart from him so I could actually see his dumb fucking shirt and maybe get the damn thing off.

 

“Stupid preppy Kappa honestly this is such a cliché outfit with your salmon shorts who dresses you...” I muttered, undoing the last button, finally.

 

“Says the guy with the ‘suns out guns out’ tank top” he said mockingly, pushing me down onto my bed and kissing the shit out of me. He was a pretty dope kisser, objectively. You know, in a heterosexual way. Mind blowing, insanely hot kisser.

 

In the straightest way I can possibly put it, I was turned on like none other. Everything was heat and teeth and tongues and the way he was moving his body was really working for me, I heard myself moan in what I hope was a lower and manlier tone that it sounded. Ryan moved his mouth to my jaw and neck and slowly down my torso to the waistband of shorts, where things were looking…obvious. You could probably see my boner from space. He smirked at me, which was really fucking annoying and I was going to tell him about it, but I was suddenly unable to produce comprehensible English sentences due to certain sensations in certain areas of my body

 

We did things that one might have a difficult time defining as heterosexual. Sure it was good, but was it the _best_ blow job I had ever received? Ok yes; he did things with his tongue that made me feel like I was on fire and when I came, I think I actually died, floated up into heaven, and high-fived our lord Jesus Christ, before returning to my body. It honestly didn’t even compare to other blowjobs I had received, BUT did I enjoy returning the favor? … ok _technically_ yes. I thought it was pretty hot. Not, like, in a gay way though.

 

For one blissful moment, we laid there next to each other, slightly out of breath and not saying a word. Everything was so perfect that I wished for a second I could stay there forever. And then my fucking phone rang. It was Nurse, so I felt totally comfortable hanging up on him, but it totally shattered the moment. Suddenly, I had to deal with the harsh reality that there was a dude in my bed, _again._

 

I cleared my throat. “So you should probably go…”

 

“Really?” Ryan said incredulously. “That’s all you have to say?”

 

“Um, thanks?” I tried.

 

He rolled his eyes. “How sentimental. I’m touched, truly. So do you want to do this again some time or what?”

 

“What? No!” I said, rolling over to look at him. “Are you insane?”

 

“Well why not?” he asked, looking offended.

 

“Because you’re a Kappa!” I managed. “And a… guy. And I’m…”

 

“I know, I know. You’re an MTG and you’re straight or whatever,” Ryan huffed. “That doesn’t mean we can’t hang out. It’s not like we’d tell anybody. And guys can have sex without being gay.”

 

“They can?”

 

“Sure,” Ryan said. “We’d just be like two bros who hang out secretly and sometimes fuck each other in a completely platonic, emotionless way.”

 

I considered. “Well when you put it like that, I guess it makes sense.”

 

“Exactly,” Ryan agreed, pulling on his clothes. “So tomorrow then?”

 

“Where?” I asked. “We can’t keep coming here all the time.”

 

He considered a second. “Well there’s no way I could get you into my room without people seeing so… my car? We could, like, drive to some remote location and make out. I could like, pick you up in that parking lot no one uses near the baseball fields.”

 

I shrugged. “Yeah okay. What kind of car do you have?”

 

Ryan tugged on those shoes we’d worked so hard to find. “Oh right, uh it’s a silver Range Rover."

 

"Really?" I asked. "What model?"

 

He stared at me blankly. "Is there more than one? Sorry, I’m not, like, that into cars. I got it new in February, I'm pretty sure, and it’s… big?”

 

“Wait you have, like basically, a hundred and fifty-thousand-dollar car, and you don't even know what kind it is?” I asked. I didn’t even _have_ a car. “Are you, like, loaded or something?”

 

“Pretty much,” Ryan answered with a shrug. “So do I have to go out the window or?”

 

“Probably best,” I agreed. “I’ll, uh, see you tomorrow.”

 

“Yeah, man,” he said, swinging a leg over the balcony. “Be there at like seven, okay?”

 

He kissed me quickly over the railing and disappeared into the tree. I hoped it was too dark for him to see that I was watching him run all the way to his expensive car. And hyperventilating a little bit.


	6. Lame nerds get drunk in a car

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This lightweight idiot gets bolder and gayer when drunk

**RYAN**

 

I really didn’t need anything to change. Really, two months had been pretty much flawless. Did I sort of wish Jake and I could hook up somewhere other than the back of my car every once in a while? Sure. Did I feel really guilty letting Benji _sit_ in said backseat? Also yes. But was I about to risk my booty call by trying to move things along too fast? _Hell_ no. I had a nice car, a hot guy, and went to school located near a lot of deserted back roads, asking for anything more would be selfish, honestly. I somehow had Jake under the impression that all the gay sex we were having was actually _not gay_ , because we were “just bros”. I really had no idea how he seriously believed that it was normal to have straight friends who take it up the ass platonically, but I wasn’t about to fight him on it.

 

The only problem was that we’d just gotten back from winter break and that the local liquor store sells really massive bottles of peppermint schnapps on sale after the holidays. And when Jake brought some reasonably priced alcohol on our latest heterosexual escapade as a friendly gesture… well, I really like peppermint schnapps.

 

“So what is this, like, what are we doing?” I started, taking yet another swig of liquor.

 

Jake shrugged. “Y’know, you’re pretty chill and I like what we’ve got going on.”

 

It looked like we’d be camping out in the car because it was almost eleven and we were both too drunk to drive, so we’d put the back seats all the way down. We were stretched out in the back seat, listening to music and passing the bottle of schnapps back and forth, and it was kind of nice.

 

“Okay yeah but, like what are we doing exactly?” I repeated.

 

“I dunno man, just, like, hanging out,” Jake said, gently taking the bottle from me and lifting it to his mouth.

 

And there was something about the way his hand lingered on mine for just a moment too long that made me feel reckless. “Yeah, but we’re not _just_ hanging out, though.”

 

“What do you mean?”

 

I smirked. “Well you don’t do… this kind of thing with your other friends do you?”

 

He scowled and took another drink. “I mean, I guess not, but I’m not gay. And you’re not gay, so it’s ok, right?”

 

In what was honestly a miraculous fete of nature, I decided to shut up. “Yeah. For sure. Sorry.”

 

“So,” Jake started. “Tell me about you.”

 

I cocked my head. “Huh?”

 

“I dunno man, it’s like, we’ve been seeing each other for like, a month now, and I feel like I don’t even know you.”

 

I raised an eyebrow. “And now you want to get all touchy-feely?”

 

“I was uh, just kidding,” Jake said with the most forced laugh I ever heard. “Forget it.”

 

“No, no it’s fine,” I said. I took a drink. “Um, I’m from Connecticut. My dad got married to Felicity’s mom when I was thirteen-”

 

“Who’s Felicity?” Jake asked.

 

“She’s my stepsister,” I replied, immediately regretting it. Well of fucking course she was my stepsister I just said our parents were married. Why was I being so fucking stupid? Was I always this dumb? “Um, Felicity Lang? She’s a theology major?”

 

He stared at me blankly.

 

I sighed. “She deals to your frat.”

 

“Ohhh,” he said. “Is she that really short girl? The Asian one? She’s so cool.”

 

“That’s the one,” I said. Despite being a total goody two shoes in every other respect, Felicity’s also a drug dealer. A very successful drug dealer, because she’s an overachiever. “We’re really close. She’s been, like, my best friend ever since my dad started seeing her mom.”

 

“Well, what about your mom?” he asked, taking a drink.

 

I shifted uncomfortably. “She skipped out when I was, like, four. It’s not, like, a big deal or anything though.”

 

“Oh,” he said. For a second, I thought he was going to like apologize or something, but he didn’t. “Hey can you pass me the schnapps?”

 

I took a drink and handed him the bottle. The car was starting to sway a bit, and I noticed I was slurring my words slightly. Oh well. “So what’s your life story?”

 

“Pretty boring really,” he said with a shrug. “I grew up in Phoenix with my parents and my younger brother, Calvin, who’s nine now. Uh, I played football and basketball in high school, and I play football here, but you probably know that. That’s pretty much it, I guess… Wait, I forgot to ask: why are you so rich?”

 

“My great grandfather made a shit ton of cash in advertising like a million years ago, and now we’re pretty much set,” I said dismissively. “And Felicity’s mom patented a software program, so we’ve got their money too.”

 

“That sounds sweet,” Jake said. “Have I told you a love your car? Because it’s totally sick bro. Do you have, like, a summer home?”

 

“In the Hamptons. And a ski house in Aspen.”

 

“Did you have a nanny?”

 

“Her name was Consuela.”

 

“Is your house considered an estate?”

 

“I mean, I guess so.”

 

“Do you have a yacht?”

 

“Well Felicity’s mom does, so yeah. It’s not, like, as crazy as it sounds though, so you can calm down,” I said. “Like, when do I get to ask questions?”

 

Jake held up his hands. “Ask away. I’m an open book. Plus I’m a _teeny_ bit turnt off peppermint booze, so I should be extra open.”

 

“Do you have a girlfriend?” I asked, far more forcefully than I’d intended in my head.

 

He looked startled. “Uh, no.”

 

“What about that Paris Count chick? She your girlfriend?” I asked, feeling bold. So I stalked him online a little. No big deal.

 

“Nah man, she’s totally not my girlfriend,” he insisted. “She’s like stalking me. Like not really stalking me, but I don’t even like her because she’s a bitch y’know? But then she’s always, like, around and hanging all over me. I’m in her Snapchat story, like, all the time, bro. But I don’t like her. She’s so mean.”

 

“Oh ok,” I said. “But, you’re not, like, _a thing_ , are you?”

 

He frowned and took a drink. “Not yet. All my bros want me to make it official, though. Monty, especially. He thinks it would be really good for me, and the whole frat, but I’m really on the fence, y’know?”

 

“Yeah definitely don’t go for it,” I said, trying (and failing) to sound casual. “Why would you date Paris when you could just, y’know, hang out with me. Or, uh, some of your other friends.”

 

“You totally get me, bro,” he said. “If I don’t want to date her, I shouldn’t have to, right?”

 

It was then that I noticed Jake was shivering. “You cold?”

 

He shrugged. “It’s fucking freezing in here. And I’m from Arizona. Not used to these god awful northeast winters, man.”

 

“Do you, like, want a blanket or something?” I asked.

 

He raised an eyebrow. “You keep blankets in your car? Where? _Why?_ ”

 

“Well y’know that bag I put in the front seat? It’s like, full of blankets. My bro Benji stowed them there in an episode of paranoia after attending a seminar on blizzard preparedness, because he’s from Florida and freaks out every time a snowflake touches the ground. Can you reach it?”

 

He crawled across the seats. “Nah, it’s stuck under the dashboard.”

 

“Oh ok, I’ll walk around and get it.” I opened the door, stepped out, and immediately face-planted.

 

Jake jumped out of the car to help me up. “Whoa, are you ok?”

 

“Yeah sorry,” I laughed, hanging onto Jake’s neck. “Shit, I really didn’t think I was this drunk. How come you’re not falling over? You’ve had almost as much as me.”

 

“Cause I’m not a fucking lightweight,” he said with a smirk. “I’ll get the blankets. You sit down before you hurt yourself.”

 

I climbed back into the car with considerable effort, while Jake pulled out the duffel bag and emptied it out onto the front seat.

 

“Jesus, how do you fit five fucking blankets in this bag?” Jake asked, in astonishment. “And what’s this thing? Is this a fucking sleeping bag? Why does everything fold up so small?”

 

“I took Benji to the fancy ass camping store, because I am a great friend,” I informed him, having just a bit more schnapps, against my better judgment. I was a sucker for anything peppermint, honestly. I bought candy canes by the pound. Catch me in Starbucks literally every morning from November until January enjoying a hot peppermint mocha. It was my crack.

 

Jake climbed back into the car with an armful of blankets. “You don’t want to slow down at all?”

 

I grinned stupidly. “I mean, if I can really only enjoy my favorite alcohol seasonally, what’s the harm in overindulging a bit?”

 

“I’ll ask you that tomorrow morning,” he said, wrapping himself in a blanket.

 

I leaned over and kissed him clumsily. “You taste like Christmas.”

 

“So do you,” Jake said, grabbing the sides of my face and kissing me again.

 

“Wait.” I pulled away. “Do you want to come hang out with me and Felicity on Sunday?”

 

“Huh?” He looked surprised. “Your sister? Wouldn’t it be weird? Because she doesn’t know about… she doesn’t know that we’re bros?”

 

“Well, about that,” I said sheepishly. “She sorta, um, does.”

 

He sat up. “Wait you told her? That we’re friends, or…”

 

“Kinda everything,” I admitted. I had no idea why I was telling him this. I’d break up with me. Damn you, sweet minty liquor.

 

“Dude!” he said in annoyance, pushing me away.

 

“I’m sorry!” I tried. “We tell each other everything. I couldn’t help it.”

 

He glared at me. “I don’t want people getting the wrong idea.”

 

“Oh come on, _your_ one friend knows,” I protested. “Now we’re even.”

 

“Nurse walked in on us!” Jake said. “That wasn’t on purpose! And I’m not making you hang out with him!”

 

“I’m not making you do anything.” He was talking way too loud and way too fast for how drunk I was. “All I did was suggest it. Like, fine, don’t hang out with me. I don’t even care.”

 

“No, it’s not like I don’t… want to hang out with you or something, you know, as a friend, it’s just that I… can’t, you know?”

 

“Well why not?” I asked. “It’s not like she’s going to tell anyone. Trust me, the only person she’d tell this kind of thing to is me, and I already know.”

 

He sighed. “Ok, ok. Fine.”

 

I perked up. “Really?”

 

“I’m only agreeing because I’m kinda turnt,” he clarified. “But, yeah, I’ll hang out with you and your sister. But it has to be like, normal hanging out, not like… sex hanging out.”

 

“Well good,” I said with finality. “Cause I am v tired and done talking about this.”

 

He smiled. “You are a very endearing drunk, bro. It’s really no wonder I hooked up with you on Halloween.”

 

I looked at him.

 

“Uh, no homo, though,” he added after a moment.

 

“You know,” I said. “If we shared blankets we would be warm as fuck.”

 

He nodded and lifted up his blanket. “Solid plan. Come here.”

 

I grinned and flopped down next to him. Jake put an arm around me and I rested my head on his shoulder. I was right of course. We were warm as fuck.

 

 


End file.
